I guess...I felt this was kind of a depressing subject to put on my other lj. It makes me feel better knowing fewer people will read it here. Maybe even no one.
Sometimes I feel like I've lost the will to live. I guess that sounds worse than it is. It just feels like...I used to be excited about life. I had dreams, and I knew who I was- well, mostly. Then I went to college, and met Jay. I told him once that he destroyed all my dreams, and that was a harsher way to put it than what I actually meant- he destroyed all the dreams I had because he either incorporated himself into them, or he made me think up new dreams. And they didn't even feel like dreams anymore. They felt like impending reality. I know its bad to love someone so much that it makes you hate yourself, but thats how I felt. Not hate for myself- but at least dislike for the way I acted, the things I did and allowed to be done. And then he left me, and I was lost. I've always valued loyalty above anything else, so not only did he break my heart, he shattered everything I believed in. How could the person I thought was my soulmate be disloyal?
Now I'm back to having this great life. I have amazing friends; real friends, my own friends that have nothing to do with other people. I have a sweet boyfriend who I'm pretty much leading on- he loves me the way I loved Jay, and I'm terrified I'm going to shatter him, because he's just a normal boyfriend for me. I'm going to graduate college soon. I don't know. Sounds perfect, right?
Except it feels empty. Even writing, my greatest passion, now that I'm so close to finishing two stories and maybe even getting them published; it feels...empty. What use is writing about magic and fairytales if you had one and lost it and know you're doomed to never feel that way again?
I keep getting told I'm lucky. I don't feel lucky.
I'm controlling my boyfriend, and that makes me feel bad. I'm avoiding my friends, and that makes me feel stupid. I'm not graduating from the school I always dreamed I'd graduate from, and that burns. Meanwhile I have no guidance, no direction. Even if I do what I want to do, I feel like the life ahead of me is empty. I feel like I've lost everything.
And its not even about Jay anymore. Even if he were to come back in my life, it would be like- I don't know you. It's been a year. The things I wanted from him have vanished and gone. The only feelings that haven't died is the one where I feel so hopelessly betrayed. I want nothing from him. I vaguely hope his girlfriend cheats on him and he gets run over by a red sox fan, because that's what he deserves. But that's all there is.
I have no love. I have no hate. I have nothing at all.
I'm just a void place.