Okay, so the first thing I want to write about is love. Actually, love might be a misnomer. More like...lust? Infatuation isn't the right word, but it's the one that comes to mind (I've been reading Choke, obviously).
I suppose the thing about me is I like boys. I really like boys. I'm not boy crazy, but when I'm with boys, I like to think about what they think about me (because they must, at least I hope so), and if they'd like to do anything to me (in a fun way), and if they're thinking the same things I am (which isn't necessarily more than 'you're fun to be with').
Now this isn't the way I think about all boys. The thoughts pop up with a lot of boys, but they're less frequent with some than others. For instance, there are these three friends of my boyfriend. Let's name them S1, S2, and S3- oddly enough it just occurred to me their names all start with S's. I don't actually find any of them particularly attractive- maybe S2. A little. But I hang out with S1 all the time, and I think he's interesting and funny, and I've even once though he was slightly sexy. S2 I think is kind of attractive, and I have thoughts of wondering if he likes me often, but only when I'm with him. S1 I have thoughts about a lot more than often. Not all the time, but most of the time when I'm with him. S3 I've only thought about once or twice that way- human nature. And that's what it's like with a lot of boys. When I'm with new ones, I think, which ones like me?
And the thing is, why should it matter? I have a boyfriend I love- although not enough, in my opinion. Recently it occurred to me...I love my boyfriend. I really do. I don't want to lose him- for a while I thought it was because I don't want to be alone, but now I'm of the opinion that I really value him as a friend, as a person, as a lover. But the thing is, I don't think I'm ready to be serious. I'm twenty three, which is old enough for a lot of people, but more and more I'm thinking I want to have fun- with friends. I'm not the kind of girl who can go out and hook up with random people (unless I'm drunk,and then I almost always regret it)- I need to hook up with people I know. So if my boyfriend wasn't a factor, I could have all these thoughts about S1, attractive or not, and act on them. Normally I would. But I don't want to hurt my boyfriend, because I already have twice. When I thought about why, I realized it was because subconsciously, I just want to have fun still. I need to get it out of my system. I need to experience as much as I can.
Anyway, just my thoughts.
Starting here is fanfic crap...
You know this would be so much easier if he stopped strutting around like a fucking cock tease and just let me…
I’m sorry, I’m really too horrified with that thought to continue it.
He eventually is able with Kyle’s help to find a sort of relationship with Kenny that’s more a friendship but has potential.
Stan’s being a dick when we’re in public, and sometimes in private. But other times he’s just that scrawny childhood friend of mine. I’m guessing he really can’t stand the fact that he confessed to me. If things weren’t fucked up beyond all belief, I might be able to handle this better.
I invite Kenny over for dinner. Up till this point, I don’t think mom actually believed me when I said I was going out to spend time with friends. I think she’s of the opinion that I’ve been gallivanting around with hussies that I meet on the job search. Moses, I wish. Instead the only hussies I get are my friends.
Anyway, Kenny’s kind of the only person I’m comfortable with right now. When he told me he loved me, I still think he half meant it as a joke, or to tease me. Since I can’t gauge how serious he was about it, I’m not letting it bother me. Maybe a little. Cartman’s love confession was so unexpected and so nauseating that I just really can’t tolerate being around the fat boy right now, and Stan’s…well…I don’t know. I may be smart, but I’m not a fucking genius. Evidenced by the fact I got kicked out of school for partying too hard. I almost wish I’d sucked it up and argued like a feral cat to stay in school. Then I never would have had to come back to South Park. Nothing’s the same as I remember it, and I really wish it was.
When he comes over we shoot the breeze for a little while on my back deck. I’m sitting in a canvas chair soaked through with snow and ice, but I can barely feel it through my ski pants and parka. Have I mentioned that I really hate the cold? Once I get some kind of degree, I’m moving to Tahiti. On the other hand I doubt the humidity will do wonders for my hair.
“What are the odds that all four of us turned out gay?”
“I think it would kick that nature versus nurture argument right square in the balls,” Kenny replied mischievously, “Because it’s obvious the way we were raised had something to do with it. We can’t all have just naturally been like this.”
I thought about it. It made my head hurt. I wasn’t out to solve any of the cardinal questions; who am I, is there a God, are people born gay or just made that way? Yeah. I don’t care, really. I was just asking to hear myself speak, I think. Sometimes it’s nice to hear things out loud.
“I guess it doesn’t matter.”
“Why Kyle,” Kenny put on this affected Southern drawl that sort of clashed with the Midwestern twang of his natural voice, “Are you trying to admit something here? About your sexuality?”
“No,” I crossed my arms. He wasn’t going to drag this out of me. Absolutely not.
He sobers quickly, “You haven’t seemed particularly happy of late.”
Well, what does he expect? I’d gone from finding out one of my friends is gay to finding out they all have raging hard-ons for me. Oh no, that wasn’t upsetting at all.
Unhappily, I glare at Kenny.
“You know, I don’t want to put any pressure on you,” he says softly, a frown twisting his lips, “I told you I love you…I sort of meant it in the friends sense. I mean, I’m interested in you. Definitely. Kyle, you’re the freshest thing to hit this town in a while, and that ass-“
He smirks when I make a little yowl of protest.
“-that ass is fi-ine,” the blonde continues, just to irritate me, “But I didn’t tell you to mess with your mind. I know you’ve got a lot on your plate lately.”
Great. Now he’s going to be one of those considerate guys with a crush on me. That’s so nice. The main problem being, I still am not fucking gay!
“Thanks Ken,” I glare at him, “Real helpful.”
He smiles cheekily, “I live to help.”
“I bet I could fix that,” I grumble, thinking of all the different ways there are to actually kill Kenny. My mom wouldn’t jive with the blood on the carpet though, and since he’s already getting up and going inside, that idea is moot.
On a Friday blaqk audio
Kenny has a wicked throw but was never interested in baseball in high school. He still plays around with Stan some weekends though. He also has the voice of an angel.
Stan is great at football and baseball. He’s also overly emotional.
Kyle is amazing at basketball. Sometimes it really pisses him off that he has a part of Cartman inside him (kidney).
Stan’s been fucking Craig on the side, despite the fact they both don’t like each other much- Stan needs someone male to ‘be’ Kyle and has turned Kenny down forever, and Craig needs someone to be Token. (sorry, I don’t ship creek.) He’s been trying to live this completely normal life, but he’s also been trying to subconsciously ignore the fact that he’s been in love with Kyle since forever ago. When Kyle comes back, he’s incredibly happy just to have his friend back, but the more time they spend together, the more anger he allows to seep out. Stan’s the kind of guy who believes in magic and innocence, and the fact that his friend betrayed him- not just with the not calling, but with the things they never got to do together, the promises they broke, etc- drove him to stop believing in love too- he couldn’t believe he’d fallen in love with someone. That’s why the rounds of cheating, etc.
Kenny loves Kyle because he has sort of been shunned by all his friends- everyone ditched him, and he doesn’t even believe in friendship anymore. Kyle comes and gives him so much attention that it turns into love.
And now they all want me to tell them which of them I love. Have they even considered the possibility that the answer is none of them? I mean, sure, I love them all in a platonic, let’s drink and watch football together and maybe cry, but only at your grandmother’s funeral sort of way. But do I love any of them in that true love chick flick romantic sort of way? Obviously I wouldn’t mind a little below the belt action. Well, I think I would mind, but according to Kenny the way my ‘slutty body’ reacts kind of conflicts with what I think. This whole true love thing…I’m only twenty three. I’m not ready to make a life decision. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. What good is it being so damned smart if you can’t graduate school, can’t decide who to date, can’t even support yourself in any single fucking way? I’m hopeless. I don’t want to hurt any of my friends. They mean so damned much to me that the thought of losing any of them is stifling, even Cartman. But I don’t want to lead them on either. All this attention is nice, but completely unwanted. I think. I hope. God, I’m fucked.
I leaned into her embrace, kissing her back. And then I stopped. What was I doing?
Wait. Why was I questioning it? Kissing her was as nice as kissing any of the other girls I had in the past, but that’s all it was; nice. I thought of the brief, accidental brush of lips Stan and I had shared. I thought of Cartman’s love confession. I thought of Kenny’s offer. And suddenly I was pushing her roughly away.
“What the fuck, Kyle?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t do this right now.”
“Do what?” she demanded, exasperated, “It’s not like I’m luring you into my panties or anything. It’s a fucking goodnight kiss.”
“I know,” I feel my temper start to rise, and I know the tone of my voice has suddenly gone patronizing, like I’m explaining to a child, “But I still can’t do this.”
She scrutinizes me, shakes her head, and mutters, “I knew you were a fag.”
Then she storms inside her house. Her words hit me full force, mixing in with the thoughts I had when I stopped the kiss. She might be right.
That’s it. This town is fucking crazy. My once best friend wants in my pants. My other two close friends want in my pants. I want to go buy a fucking chastity belt because I’m mighty scared that my anal virginity is up for grabs. While rape is a harsh word, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone has it on the table. Mainly Cartman. Kenny’s a close second.
Gay. Am I gay? Is it possible to have four close friends turn completely and utterly gay? Were we always destined to turn out this way, or was it all the celebrities who took up residence in our closets that made us thus?
The above was random ass shit that will eventually be included in 'You Can Never Go Back', my style SP fic. I just posted Chapter 10 tonight. Yay. The above isn't necessarily in order.
I want to change my icon, but at the same time, the lyrics still ring true...Like violence, you kill me...forever, and after.